Please dear readers, you know Prissy accommodates all views, even ficticious ones like below. Prissy asks that you keep postings polite, and keep in mind below is a spoof... however the quotes by the Pope are indeed real.
Getting Down and Dirty- The Outlawing of Male Masturbation
By Mrs. Nelda Smith-Reporter at large
CHIC News, November 1, 2012
Why is the newly formed group, the National Organ-action for Men (NOM) raging against the establishment? CHIC News looks.
NOM is on a tirade regarding the recent outlawing of male masturbation. It is not funny; they say and they are demanding legal access to wank. "Men have the right to control what we do with our own bodies, this is an outrage! Why are women doing this to us? No debate, no discussion, they just did it! Their overbearing Matriarchal system won't give us anything but platitudes! " bemoans Richard, who does not want his last name published.
Male masturbation- it is not a pretty picture. Despite being considered by many Americans to be a disgusting, vile and human race-threatening act, we knew it happened-but it was legal, albeit immoral. The Pope himself, a man quite knowledgeable in these matters, tells the world that it "breeds lust and selfishness" and it constitutes a "grave moral disorder." Therefore, the new law will actually save numerous men from the damnation of eternal hell. "But we are not all Catholic!" cries NOM's group leader-who refuses to give his name.
"How dare they insult the Holy See- for he is above human reproach!" says Tommy T. Nopleasure (he insists it is pronounced NO-Plee-a-zure). Nopleasure represents Morality for ALL Americans (MAA), a group of concerned citizens who urged lawmakers to yank the legal wank. Nopleasure, stepping up to the podium he's had installed in his office for interviews, goes on to say, “We feel that in the name of all that is fair and decent, the waste of potential human life must stop now! You see, we have heard "chatter" and we know who the violators are! We worked for the law that will save America. No more murdering child potential sperm just because it doesn't "suit your lifestyle"!
For obvious reasons the law applies to all males with child propagating abilities. The law is not applicable to females or to sterile males. (For sterile males: Medical documentation must be provided to the Dept. of Justice- ATTN: John) However, for the rest of you - the consequences, should you choose to break the law, will be severe.
When signing the new bill into law, the President herself declared, "This new law is an important first step in preserving American lives. Moreover, if you are not for the new law that means you are for the deviant masturbators! Because male masturbation is wrong, and they know it is wrong. They have proved this repeatedly by the privacy males require when actioning the wicked event!"
"An outrage, a regulation of men to second class citizenry!" says protesters wishing to violate not only the law of the land, but themselves. One protester told us "Those pee-pee's are a part of OUR bodies and you have no right to tell us what to do with them! Don't women even care a little about what men's bodies go through without options?"
"Keep your laws off our bodies" , said one sign, worn on the back of a man pushing a stroller that held a baby boy. The baby had a tee shirt on that said, "Males have rights too!" NOM protests outside lawmaker offices regularly-despite laws against it- sometimes even harassing lawmakers they leave their offices.
Some members, during a secure online chat whispered, "They tell us the new law is for our own protection-but we think this is about the Roe v. Wade thing in 2006. They will not allow us access to their so-called "decision committee" records or tell us how the decision was discussed-they just scream "Executive Privilege." We have made repeated requests under the Freedom of Information Act-they just blow us off. This issue should not even concern women and we are angry. Now the government has come out with the TMI (Too Much Information) Awareness program to encourage people "in the know" to turn us in! What's next, will they demand we urinate sitting down, claiming public bathroom safety?"
Several men, believed to be " fringe" NOM'ers, have gone as far to make what some consider possible death threats. Hissing phone messages like "Lawmaker, you have no right to force your ideology on men-better watch out-something gonna get spilled!"
Nearly 77% of Congressional lawmakers are now women, which coincidently came about after the landmark overturn of Roe v. Wade in 2006, which also happened to be the last year women only earned 77 cents for a man's dollar. It is now just the opposite- trends expected to continue-since men continue to become less educated than women do. Lawmakers tell men to stop with the "conspiracy theories" it is all just a coincidence.
Women make up the majority of the population, so the number is actually a much fairer representation, according to the congressional website. A constitutional amendment was on the agenda, once the women "won" the election- just to make sure these ratios do not change in the future. It passed easily with a two-thirds vote.
With a smirk on her face and pink pocketbook in hand, lawmaker Mrs. Georgia Johnson (P-TX) says of the above, "Oh yes we do have the right to enact this pro-life law-the American people have spoken! My own upstanding husband would not dream of such a depraved act. Hollowood Harold (Mrs. Johnson’s pet name for Mr. Johnson) just cannot understand why those men insist it is their right! We think they just hate America!"
My Mr. Johnson is so wholesome, so much more decent than those NOM men, she sighs- apparently overlooking "the Johnson incident" when two years ago, Mr. Johnson was caught with his pants down in a D.C. prostitution sting. (AP) Nonetheless, Mrs. Johnson, a favorite of the president, can say whatever she pleases-and woe to those who dissent.
"Besides all that-tomorrows election is already "in her pocketbook" she tells CHIC News, with a smile and a wink. The Texas Prude Party’s senior lawwoman is never one to hold back and is always quick with a quip. When asked what she would say one day before the election to all the NOM's out there, she replies: " Better to spill mans seed into the belly of a whore, than to spill it upon the ground". On that note and with her own brand of politics-Mrs. Johnson ends the interview.
There you have it. NOM and MAA- will they ever be able to come together? The debate goes on.
Men-This is what it feels like to be a woman in the United States of America, please stop telling us what to do with our bodies......
Readers Note: The above work is ficticious and is not based on any real persons, alive or dead. Thanks, PP